The trial of Tanzania’s John Magufuli

By Uche Onyebadi

THIS is the trial of John Magufuli, a man who called himself the “Bulldozer.” When he was alive (he died on March 17, 2021), he was the President of Tanzania. This trial took place where dead African leaders are held for clearance before they are sent to heaven or hell. Magufuli is seated in the dock, awaiting his trial to begin. And, the Judge walks in……..

Court Clerk: All rise…….. (Magufuli remains seated).

Court Clerk (shouts louder): ALL RISE (Magufuli still remains seated. A police orderly walks up to him).

Orderly (addressing Magufuli): John, you need to stand up. The Judge is here.

Magufuli: I don’t stand up for any human being.

Orderly (cuts in): John, this judge is not a human being! And, you are no longer on earth. You must stand up or I’ll have to force you up.

Magufuli: I dare you to touch me, I am President John Magufuli……

Orderly: Sorry, you used to be the president. Here, you are a non-entity.

Magufuli: Watch your mouth, you son of a wild witch.

Orderly: Are you delirious? There are no witches or wizards here.

Magufuli: Are you serious? Where am I?

Orderly: In a place where you are powerless.

Magufuli: Powerless? Look, I can order you to be locked up where you’ll rot away.

Orderly: Like you locked up journalists in your previous world?

Magufuli: Watch your tongue. People know me as the Bulldozer. You’ll be dead before you know it.

Orderly: Sorry, people don’t die here. Your bulldozer will not even move a fly. Now, you must stand up.

[The police orderly yanks Magufuli up from his seat and the court clerk swears him in.]

Prosecutor: Mr……

Magufuli (cuts in): I’m not an ordinary Mr., I am President John Magufuli, the ultimate Bulldozer in Tanzania

Prosecutor: Tanzania? Where is that? 

Magufuli: You ignoramus…

Prosecutor: Don’t push me to add more items on your charge sheet.

Magufuli: Where is my vice president and security guards? I need to get out of here…

Prosecutor: Once you arrive here, there is no going back. You must face trial and account for your deeds. All dead African leaders come here before they are dispatched to where they truly belong. Now, will you shut up and answer my question? State your name.

Magufuli (confused and showing it): I need to talk to my attorney general…

Prosecutor: You don’t have any. Here, you only have a judge and the prosecutor. YOU will defend yourself; you and only you can give an account of your deeds, do you understand? Your name, please?

Magufuli (reluctantly): I am President John Magufuli.

Persecutor: We shall cut out the president thing. You are John. 

Magufuli: You lack respect, hopeless idiot.

Prosecutor: Did you show people respect over there in Tanza-whatever you call it?

Magufuli: Why should I? I am the president?

Prosecutor (interjecting): Was a president. Do you realize you are a dead man? Do you know why you are here?

Magufuli: This is a kangaroo assembly. I need to leave. I have to go back to the state house….

Prosecutor: State House? John, as I said earlier, you have arrived at a point of no going back. You can only proceed forward, to hell or heaven. We cannot keep Lucifer or Angel Gabriel waiting….We must proceed with your trial.

Magufuli: Trial? What charges are you bringing against me?

Prosecutor: Your rap sheet is long. They include saying and ordering that girls who were unfortunate to get pregnant should be forced out of school…no empathy at all.

Magufuli: Yes, why not? Those girls had no morals. They had to be chased away.

Prosecutor: And the people who made them pregnant?

Magufuli: That’s not my problem. 

Prosecutor: You chastised the opposition in your country and banned their rallies.

Magufuli: They were idiots, irredeemable nincompoops.

Prosecutor: Journalists were thrown into jail for criticizing your government. You introduced repressive press laws in Tanzania.

Magufuli: Those bastards. I’m a champion of human rights, just in case you didn’t know that. 

Prosecutor: You revoked the licenses of non-governmental organizations doing good deeds in your country.

Magufuli: They were no good, my friend.

[At this point, Magufuli asked for some water to drink but was politely told that millions of Tanzanians did not have good drinking water, so his request was denied] 

Magufuli: So, I can’t even have some water? Ordinary water to drink?

Prosecutor: Water is not ordinary….if it was, you would have provided it for the suffering and thirsty people in your country? Back to your case. Tell the court, John, did you freeze the bank accounts of civil society groups you felt were opposed to you?

Magufuli: Why should those sons and daughters of prostitutes have bank accounts?

Prosecutor: How about the killings and abductions your government was known for?

Magufuli: We were just doing God’s work, getting rid of imbeciles and devils in our society.

Prosecutor: And, is it true that Tundu Lissu, the main opposition leader in your country was accused of treason and had to flee the country?

Magufuli: We had to get rid of that leper who wanted to afflict the country with his disease.

Prosecutor: Ah, now that you’ve mentioned diseases, have you heard of a pandemic called Covid-19?

Magufuli: There is nothing like Covid-19. I emphatically deny that such thing exists.

Prosecutor: Was that why you were reported to have gone to the top of a mounting in your country to pray to God not to allow that disease come to your country?

Magufuli: Yes, I always speak directly to God, and the mountain top is the best place to commune with him.

Prosecutor: And you say there is no such thing as Covid-19?

Magufuli: I swear to God, there is no such thing?

Prosecutor: So, why did ban your health ministry from keeping records about Covid-19 afflictions and deaths?

Magufuli: Why should we keep a record of what does not exist? It is a waste of time and money.

Prosecutor: And, did you instruct your health ministry not to make any attempt to purchase Covid-19 vaccines?

Magufuli: Yes, there was no point buying vaccines for a non-existing disease.

Prosecutor: Talking about vaccines, did you ever make a statement about Covid-19 and vaccines?

Magulfuli: Oh yes, I said so many things about the so-called pandemic. Which one are you talking about?

Prosecutor: Let me quote you: You once said this earlier this year, correct? “Vaccines don’t work…..If the white man was able to come up with vaccinations, then vaccines for AIDS would have been brought. Vaccines for tuberculosis would have made it a thing of the past. Vaccines for malaria would have been found. Vaccines for cancer would have been found.”

Magufuli: Yes, I said so. Those vaccines are poisons made by the white man to kill off Africans. I’m too intelligent to fall for that brazen scam.

Prosecutor: And did the Catholic Church and World Health Organization in Tanzania tell you that you were wrong and advice you to purchase the vaccines and do public campaigns to warn your country men and women about the pandemic?

Magufuli: Yes, they tried, but I had no time for their bunkum. I am the president and I know what is best for my people.

Prosecutor: And, face masks, did you wear them or encourage your people to do so to combat the pandemic?

Magufuli: Don’t ask me any stupid question. There is nothing called Covid-19. There was no need to wear those stupid masks. Let me tell you, those masks were designed by the white man to suffocate Africans. I had to stand up against that nonsense.

Prosecutor: And, does Tanzania have any record of Covid-19 affliction and deaths?

Magufuli: None. Zero. Nothing. Hakuna, in Kiswahili. What is Covid-19 by the way?

The prosecutor asked for a 15-minute recess when he noticed that Magufulli was sweating in his designer suit. And, when the recess was over, the prosecutor resumed his questioning.

Prosecutor: Mr. Magufuli….

Magufuli: You must respect me and address me as President John Magufuli, the son of Chato district in northwestern part of Tanzania and a holder of a PhD degree in Chemistry from the University of Dar es Salaam, in my country. 

Prosecutor: Oh, you have a doctoral degree in chemistry, meaning you are a scientist, yet you don’t believe in Covid-19 pandemic?

Magufuli: That is precisely why I know there is nothing like Covid-19. I am a phenomenal scientist and I know that all this talk about Covid-19 is balderdash…..

Prosecutor: And you are in no way responsible for Covid-19 afflictions and death in your country, even by culpable negligence?

Magufuli: No. How can I be culpable over something that does not exist? People die. And, Tanzanians also die. What is the big deal? When death comes, you die. That’s it. 

Prosecutor. Hmm, that is interesting. My final question….

Magufuli: Yes, go ahead…

Prosecutor: Can you tell this court why you died of what has been described as “complications” at the Mzena Hospital in Dar es Salaam after disappearing from public view for about two weeks? For a man who relishes getting out daily in public and holding rallies without a mask and addressing crowds of people without masks, your sudden disappearance was quite suspect. It led to unconfirmed reports that you finally succumbed to Covid-19 which you insist does not exist. Mr. Magufuli, did you die of Covid-19 complications?

Silence. Magufuli’s eyes rolled over and over as he struggled to breathe in and out, desperately clutching his chest, with his head bowed. Tiny beads of saliva from his open mouth began to cascade down his jaw in quick succession.  Before the onlookers could rush to help him, he had crumbled and collapsed on the floor. On the ceiling of the open court were dazzling eyes, peering through like defiant and unstoppable rays of light. One pair of eyes belonged to Angel Gabriel. The other pair belonged to Lucifer. Both eyes were impatiently jostling to see who would finally claim the soul of the man who lay lifeless on the floor.