How to deal with power struggles in children

POWER struggles are inevitable in the parenting journey, this is so because as soon as children become self-aware, they also want to begin to exercise some form of authority and control over some areas of their lives.

What is a power struggle?

A power struggle is what happens when you ask your child to do something and it doesn’t get done. This banter as it goes on becomes a power struggle.

The more you argue or force the child to do something, the more you both get frustrated and nothing gets accomplished.

Power struggle delays the completion of the tasks your children are supposed to do as a result of the exchange of words, and sometimes, children use this as a means to escape carrying out their tasks.

 When you allow yourself to be dragged into a power struggle as a parent, your goal will be to win since you are the parent, and when you win, it means you finally got your child to do what he didn’t want to do.

The truth is that when you force your child to comply, there is resistance which makes the child angry with you, rather than learning a lesson.

Why do children engage in power struggles?

For children, every power struggle is about meeting a need for power. This means that for every inappropriate behavior, that child is feeling powerless and seeking a feeling of control. When you understand this, you will be able to transform the way you handle power struggles.

How to diffuse a power struggle

1. Connect first, so your child can hear you

If you don’t connect with your child, you can’t successfully guide and correct them, because in the moment of a power struggle, they really can’t hear you. So you need to connect first by saying what you see.

For instance, when your child is angry or upset with his sibling, you can say, “Oh dear, I see you are upset because your sister didn’t share her toys with you.”

By saying this, you are able to connect instantly with your child and you also get into the neutral zone, that means you both are now on the same page. That’s the first thing that will help take care of the situation because your child sees that you are validating his feelings which are important to him, just like your own feelings are important to you too.

2. Have your goal in mind

When you allow your child drag you into a power struggle, you feel like you are in a battle with your child and you obviously want to win that battle, but the truth is that winning only happens when you and your child are on the same team.

So you need to work with the big picture. For instance, if your goal is to get your child to turn off the TV at 8:30pm and go to bed at 9pm, and of course you know that your child would not want to stop watching TV, instead of going back and forth in an exchange of words, (you say turn off the TV and he says no and doesn’t turn it off), you can decide to have a wind down activity to prepare him for bedtime. He has already been over stimulated by watching TV, so turning off the TV abruptly might trigger him. Instead, when it’s 15 minutes before bedtime, remind him that he has to turn off the TV in 15 minutes, then remind him again in 5 minutes, this will help prepare him to transition from TV time to his bedtime routine.

3. Change your perception

Behind every misbehaviour, there is an underlying cause, so instead of seeing a child who pours his food on the floor because he is upset, see a child who needs help coping with anger. You need to look beyond the “annoying” behaviour of your child in order to see what’s going on underneath. Remember, when a child is manifesting unfavourable behaviour, he is likely feeling powerless, so you need to find creative ways of empowering him at that time.

If you see disrespect when your child is rude, back-talks or whines, then you will react like someone who is being disrespected, but if you change your perspective and decide to see a powerless child asking for help, then you would react like someone whose child needs help indeed.

So, it is very important that you change your perspective. This is actually the game changer for dealing with power struggles with children.

4. Fill the child’s power tank by giving him choices

Healthy choices change everything, because that way, you and your child maintain a sense of control. For instance, if you sense that your child will overreact when you ask him to go to the bathroom for bath time, you can say, ”Darling, do you want to walk to the bathroom or do you want me to carry you to the bathroom or should I tickle you to the bathroom? “

That way, your child will definitely pick an option because the options sound interesting.

What then happens if the child doesn’t follow through with the option he picked or what if he totally refuses to pick an option?

Here is what to do:

▶️Physically get down to the child’s eye level. Look the child in the eye.

▶️State the desired behaviour and the two choices in a calm but firm voice.

▶️Then state the consequence for not abiding by the choice he picks.

▶️Follow through with the consequence if the child still doesn’t obey.

5. Don’t panic, stay calm

Even when they are pushing your buttons and driving you over the edge with their chaotic feelings and expressions, just stay calm on the outside even if you are feeling furious on the inside.

You can stay calm by practising the PAUSE method; that is, waiting for like 10 seconds before you react to their inappropriate actions. You can also walk away from the scene for a few minutes to clear your head; you can get a drink of water or you can go and scream in the restroom and flush it… lol.

This is very important because if you are not calm, you will likely lash out at the child, and guess what, children are great copiers, so you are indirectly teaching that child to lash out furiously whenever there’s an unpalatable situation on ground, and you would also feel guilty much later when you remember how harshly you spoke to the child or even how you spanked him.

On the contrary, when you stay calm, you are modeling emotional intelligence to the child and you are indirectly teaching him how to calmly confront unpleasant situations.

6. Help them label the emotions they are feeling

Children should be able to express the way they feel. A child should know when he is angry, upset, frustrated, excited, proud etc. Once they can label their emotions, then you can teach them how to handle these emotions. For instance, you can tell your child to scribble or colour his sheets of paper when he is angry, he can colour with the intensity of the anger he is feeling or you can tell him to get a drink of water etc. When you do this, you are teaching that child coping skills to help him pull through difficult situations.

7. After the whole episode, drag them into a big hug

It makes them feel safe and also able to process their intense emotions. Remember, perception is everything. Changing your perception will help you deal with power struggles effectively.

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